Archive for January, 2012

Hurting Inside

I have a lot on my mind today as I am hurting a great deal. I have a great deal of pain and anger that I am trying to overcome. Some days I feel so isolated and all alone in spite of being surrounded by more people than I am accustomed to. I had no idea that you could feel so alone in a crowed. I am not literally in a crowed as I type this. What I mean is that when I was in my abusive marriage I led a very solitary life because I was all alone most times. Now I am allowed to go out anytime I want. I attend classes, church, and I leave my home and interact with people on a daily basis now whereas I was not allowed to do those things before.


I have a great deal of anger and bitterness in my heart today. I am so frustrated and feel like crying. It has been building up all week long. To be honest, to add insult to injury I feel guilty for feeling this way.


On the one hand life is beautiful compared to what it was. I no longer have to live with someone who mistreats my Daughter and I. We are no longer living in a shelter. We now both have beds to sleep on. I was accepted into college and are able to pursue my dream of becoming an Attorney.


So now you are probably wondering why on earth I am angry, bitter, and sometimes even depressed. I have more bills than income. When I say bills I am not talking about credit card bills for things I do not need. When I say bills I mean necessities, like electric, water, car payment, car insurance, gas, food, Etc…


In addition to this I am being pursued by the IRS because of my estranged Husband. The IRS cannot find my Husband and I even tried to tell them where he is but they do not care because he has no income currently and I do. It angers me that I have to live off of a modest Social Security income and cannot even pay my bills but the IRS expects me to pay them over a grand by January 30, 2012.


If that is not enough, my Daughter and I still have nightmares about the abuse we have endured for 7 years and nobody cares. However, there is a prayer page on Facebook praying for our abusers recovery from his suicide attempt. My Daughter and I are the innocent victims and there is not a support page for us. We do not get an outpouring of prayer, support, and have people cheering us on as our abuser does. We are just expected to suck it up and deal with it. People who I thought were my friends have even told me to quit whining, venting, and posting T.M.I. on Facebook. They have gone as far as to tell me that I am pushing people away by sharing my negative feelings and emotions. I am told that some things are just best kept to myself. I am afraid that if I continue to keep all of this bottled up inside that I am going to end up in Lakeside (the mental hospital) again and of no use to my family.


I stay up at night worried sick about how we are going make it until payday. We are now completely out of money until next month. I have no idea how I am going to get to and from school without gas money. We are trying to stretch out the food out until then. We ran out of bottled water to drink. Our tap water tastes like chemicals and we are afraid to drink it.


My Daughter wants to attend college but does not have a GED. It costs $70.00 for the GED Exam and I cannot pay all the bills on my check alone as it is. She got laid off before Christmas and she has applied for many jobs and nobody wants to hire her. I have my GED and are a college student and have applied for many part-time jobs myself and nobody will give me an interview much less a job. This makes me just want to pull my hair out! This makes me feel like I am stuck in the mud spinning my wheels getting nowhere fast! Sometimes, I feel as though the harder we try the more difficult things get for us!


We want so badly to become self-sufficient and pay our own way. We are not just sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. When I am not at my college classes my Daughter and I attend classes at the library. We take job skills and computer classes. We are doing everything we can to better ourselves. When we are not educating ourselves we are filling out applications for employment. So we are not sitting back expecting things to just fall into our laps.


So it angers me that because I am responsible and care that I am held accountable for my estranged Husband’s actions. People hold me to a higher standard than him. I am expected to just suck it all up and deal with it. It seems that I am not allowed to feel or to hurt. It is as if I am not allowed to be human. I feel that most people treat me like an object or robot.


It is humiliating not to be able to afford little things like laundry soap or money to pay to wash and dry our clothes. It is scary to wonder if I am going to run out of gas and not be able to attend my classes. I hate living with these things on my mind.


I have had people tell me that I can call and text them when I am feeling down, scared, or angry but when I try to contact them and here nothing for a week it makes trusting people difficult. Then when someone else tells me the same thing I want to doubt them because the last person let me down. I hate being all alone but it is scary to trust people now. Especially, when a friend I have had for years says she does not want to hear me complain and has her own problems to deal with. That really hurt and I tried to explain myself to her and she did not want to hear it.


Then I see that Prayer page dedicated to my abuser and I just want to scream, cry, and lose my mind!!! I would love to know why such an evil man who is addicted to porn and abuses women can get such love and support while I am left here all alone in the cold to suffer and struggle! It infuriates me to no end! Why am I treated like the abuser while he is treated like the victim? I just do not understand this!


I hope and pray that one day I can look back and say I have done well for myself. My goal is to become a practicing Attorney by 2020. I dream of becoming an Assistant States Attorney defending victims of Sex Crimes and/or Domestic Violence. I want to make my Daughter proud of me and to see that if you believe that you can do anything!


As many of you know I have been struggling and have been through hell and back. It has been a very long dark road for me! I have been so confused and lost for so long. I have prayed so many nights and came up empty. I have had so many days when I was very angry, bitter, and just wanted to scream!!! Some days I did scream and lose my mind! I was so broken and very afraid. There were days when I was so afraid that I did not get out of bed or get dressed. I went days without caring for myself.

I literally looked everywhere for answers. I felt that God left me all alone in a dark room. I felt as though I was walking around this dark empty room feeling around for a light switch for years. Today I found my light switch! Tears of joy are rolling down my face as I type this! Not angry tears, not sad tears, not fearful tears but joyful tears!

I had a rough night last night. I could not sleep no matter how much I prayed and told myself it was going to be a peaceful night. I do not know if my blood sugar was too high or if my anxiety disorder was disturbing my sleep or what. All I know is that I could not rest. I overslept and then when I awoke I just could not get out of bed. I then remembered it was Sunday and I needed to go to church. I was so tempted to say that I was sick and needed my rest. The old me would have remained in bed all day. Suddenly, something different happened. I felt a voice speak to me and say, “Get out of bed you cannot miss church today!” I then knew Pastor Alex had a message from God just for me!

I struggled and struggled to get ready. My flesh kept making excuses but I ignored them. It was so tempting to stay home today. I looked in the mirror and reminded myself of how I felt other Sundays when I gave into my flesh and stayed home. I reflected upon the guilt and remorse. I almost stayed home because I did not have time to put my makeup on because I was too exhausted to get moving. A voice spoke to me again and said, “God does not care about the makeup!” “There is a message for you at church and you have to be there to hear it!” So I threw clothes on and kissed my Mom bye and raced to church! At first I was ashamed of my appearance but that faded very quickly when my new friends that I recently made at church hugged me! I felt so welcome and loved! I then knew I was right where I needed to be!

So many nights I cried and asked God “why I am going through this?” So many times I asked, “Why God do you make me suffer like this?” “Why God do you allow me to do without?” “What have I done so bad to deserve this or that?” So many questions and I felt that God left me on call waiting without any answers! I felt that God locked me in a room and forgot all about me.

Today I finally received an overflow of answers from God! I can finally see clearly! I finally have peace and understanding!

Now I know why I have been suffering and struggling! I can now see God’s reasons! It all just makes sense now! I am so excited!

Finally, some much needed answers!!! God has been pruning me! God has been trying to wake me up! He had to get my attention! I kept ignoring him and his calling and he had no choice but to get tough and humble me so that I would listen to him!

I had my accident and when my 3rd Husband left me I gave up on God. I lost my faith. I left Gods perfect path and turned my back on him. He did not lock me away and forget about me! I threw a tantrum and turned my back on Him when I did not get my way! I kept numbing myself with pills instead of doing Gods will! I let myself go and I had a pity party. I just kept numbing myself and refused to step out of my comfort zone. I even quit thinking about what kind of role model I was to my Daughter. I left God alone; he did not leave me alone! I did the leaving!

I now see that I have not been doing my very best. I quit doing anything that required any effort. I did what was easy. I have not been living up to my full potential. I have not really been pushing myself to do better. So God had to get my attention. He had to push me to wake up and see where I was wrong.

I now see if my life did not spiral out of control I would not have woke up and evaluated things. I would not have felt the need to change anything had my life been comfortable and I had everything given to me. If God had not of pulled the rug out from under me I would still be laying there stagnant. Had I not experienced major loss I would not have come crawling back to God. I would not have felt the need to put forth any effort to better my life. Why change if nothing appears to be broken? Without hitting rock bottom I would have continued to be selfish and believe that God left me! I would not have been forced to look at things another way and see the error in my ways!

I now see that God was unhappy with the fact that I was not living up to my full potential. I was not doing my very best. I was coasting through life. I was not teaching my Daughter the value of hard work and sacrifice. I was wasting my God given talents. I became angry, bitter, selfish, and very stagnant. I expected to receive and was feeling entitled instead of being compassionate, caring, and productive.

Now that God has done a major pruning on me I am back in his fold. I am no longer stagnant. I am going to classes and educating myself. I have applied to college and hoping to become a Law Student. I am looking for a job instead of making excuses and feeling sorry for myself. Now I am so much happier! I am learning so much and rebuilding my self-confidence and self-esteem! I am feeling so blessed these days! God is now granting me wisdom and understanding since I am now doing his will and living right! I can see clearly now through God’s grace!

The point of my story is that God has a plan. Each one of us has a purpose. Just because things do not go according to our plans does not mean that God does not love us. It does not mean that God has forgotten about us. It does not mean that God does not love us enough. It means that you have to dig deep and ask yourself if you are really living as good as you can. Are you really trying to serve God instead of the flesh? Is it what we want or is it what God wants? Do we love God as much as we can? I now understand and see the difference. Had I not have lost the material things I would not be able to focus and receive God and his wisdom! It feels amazing to finally hear and feel the answers! I now have true peace and understanding! Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Praise God!!!

On October 18, 2011 I took a leap of faith. I did not know how things would turn out. All I knew was I could not go on the way I was living. I knew that I could not allow my Husband to abuse my Daughter. I knew I was not proud of my life the way it was. I was depressed, ashamed, miserable, and a complete wreck. I felt I only had two choices. I knew I could not live another day with the way things were. So I had to either committ suicide and do it right this time or take a chance by attempting to leave Jeff. It was very scarey but I knew suicide was not the answer so I had to risk it for the biscuit! I chose life! That would be one of the scariest days of my life. I am very proud to say that I made the right decision.

I am not going to lie to you, these past few months have been very uncomfortable and scarey. I have cried many tears. There have been many sleepless nights. One thing I know for sure is that it has all been worth it! I have learned a great deal and are still learning new things everyday! I do not regret my decision to leave Jeff! It is the best thing I have done in many years.

My Husband changed over the years and not for the better. He was not the man I married at all. With each month of marriage he changed gradually into someone I no longer loved or cared about. I despise what he became. In the end I felt I was living with a complete stranger. I do not know what happend. All I know for sure was in the end he was addicted to pornography and it turned him into someone I could no longer live with. He refused to get help.I begged and begged all all he did was make empty promises and many excuses. His addiction got so out of control that it was ruling his life. He even quit his job and immersed himself even deeper into the world of porn. I could not believe that I married someone like this. Had I known he was a porn addict or addict of any kind I would have never married this man! He kept lying to me and cheating on me. It was not just adult porn either. He loved teen porn and then had to live out his addiction in real life. When he touched my Daughter he crossed the line and I had to make a choice. I chose my Daughter.

Now I have moved on and are working hard to turn my life around. I am finding healing and faith. I am now proud to report I am a born again Christian. I am far from perfect but are a work in process. I know I need to work on cleaning up my language and my way of thinking still but I can honestly say that I am now in a support group and are seriously putting forth the effort. Some bad habits are easier to give up than others. I work everyday to retrain my thinking. I am learning to take control my feelings and emotions. I am now healed from Depression hope someday to be healed of anxiety. I am learning to become a more positive person. I long to become a better role model and inspiration to my dear Daughter whom I love more than life itself!

I am now taking classes and working on rebuilding my self-confidence and self-esteem. With each new accomplishment I feel so much better about myself. I am doing things now that I have never thought possible for me! I am making new friends! I honestly love my new life!!!

I am so glad that I took that leap of faith and ran for my life! I have not looked back and will not! My only regret is that I did not do it sooner! I look forward to each and every new day and all of the blessings God is giving us!

I have so much to look forward to now! I hope someday to rehabilitate and return to work. I long to become a Law Student. I dream of becoming a New York Times Best Selling Author and an Attorney. I would love to fight for the rights of victims of Domestic Violence someday. I would love to be able to help women who are going through what I have endured with abusive men who have no respect for women.

I am learning that through Christ our Lord that anything is possible if you just believe! Now that I am becoming a strong Christian woman I am seeing that there is nothing that I cannot do! Without all of the negative influence upon me I feel so free, alive, and happy! My days are now filled with peace and joy! It is a great feeling! I cannot wait to see where I am at a year from now! I am so excited about my new life!!!

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