I have a lot on my mind today as I am hurting a great deal. I have a great deal of pain and anger that I am trying to overcome. Some days I feel so isolated and all alone in spite of being surrounded by more people than I am accustomed to. I had no idea that you could feel so alone in a crowed. I am not literally in a crowed as I type this. What I mean is that when I was in my abusive marriage I led a very solitary life because I was all alone most times. Now I am allowed to go out anytime I want. I attend classes, church, and I leave my home and interact with people on a daily basis now whereas I was not allowed to do those things before.

 

I have a great deal of anger and bitterness in my heart today. I am so frustrated and feel like crying. It has been building up all week long. To be honest, to add insult to injury I feel guilty for feeling this way.

 

On the one hand life is beautiful compared to what it was. I no longer have to live with someone who mistreats my Daughter and I. We are no longer living in a shelter. We now both have beds to sleep on. I was accepted into college and are able to pursue my dream of becoming an Attorney.

 

So now you are probably wondering why on earth I am angry, bitter, and sometimes even depressed. I have more bills than income. When I say bills I am not talking about credit card bills for things I do not need. When I say bills I mean necessities, like electric, water, car payment, car insurance, gas, food, Etc…

 

In addition to this I am being pursued by the IRS because of my estranged Husband. The IRS cannot find my Husband and I even tried to tell them where he is but they do not care because he has no income currently and I do. It angers me that I have to live off of a modest Social Security income and cannot even pay my bills but the IRS expects me to pay them over a grand by January 30, 2012.

 

If that is not enough, my Daughter and I still have nightmares about the abuse we have endured for 7 years and nobody cares. However, there is a prayer page on Facebook praying for our abusers recovery from his suicide attempt. My Daughter and I are the innocent victims and there is not a support page for us. We do not get an outpouring of prayer, support, and have people cheering us on as our abuser does. We are just expected to suck it up and deal with it. People who I thought were my friends have even told me to quit whining, venting, and posting T.M.I. on Facebook. They have gone as far as to tell me that I am pushing people away by sharing my negative feelings and emotions. I am told that some things are just best kept to myself. I am afraid that if I continue to keep all of this bottled up inside that I am going to end up in Lakeside (the mental hospital) again and of no use to my family.

 

I stay up at night worried sick about how we are going make it until payday. We are now completely out of money until next month. I have no idea how I am going to get to and from school without gas money. We are trying to stretch out the food out until then. We ran out of bottled water to drink. Our tap water tastes like chemicals and we are afraid to drink it.

 

My Daughter wants to attend college but does not have a GED. It costs $70.00 for the GED Exam and I cannot pay all the bills on my check alone as it is. She got laid off before Christmas and she has applied for many jobs and nobody wants to hire her. I have my GED and are a college student and have applied for many part-time jobs myself and nobody will give me an interview much less a job. This makes me just want to pull my hair out! This makes me feel like I am stuck in the mud spinning my wheels getting nowhere fast! Sometimes, I feel as though the harder we try the more difficult things get for us!

 

We want so badly to become self-sufficient and pay our own way. We are not just sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. When I am not at my college classes my Daughter and I attend classes at the library. We take job skills and computer classes. We are doing everything we can to better ourselves. When we are not educating ourselves we are filling out applications for employment. So we are not sitting back expecting things to just fall into our laps.

 

So it angers me that because I am responsible and care that I am held accountable for my estranged Husband’s actions. People hold me to a higher standard than him. I am expected to just suck it all up and deal with it. It seems that I am not allowed to feel or to hurt. It is as if I am not allowed to be human. I feel that most people treat me like an object or robot.

 

It is humiliating not to be able to afford little things like laundry soap or money to pay to wash and dry our clothes. It is scary to wonder if I am going to run out of gas and not be able to attend my classes. I hate living with these things on my mind.

 

I have had people tell me that I can call and text them when I am feeling down, scared, or angry but when I try to contact them and here nothing for a week it makes trusting people difficult. Then when someone else tells me the same thing I want to doubt them because the last person let me down. I hate being all alone but it is scary to trust people now. Especially, when a friend I have had for years says she does not want to hear me complain and has her own problems to deal with. That really hurt and I tried to explain myself to her and she did not want to hear it.

 

Then I see that Prayer page dedicated to my abuser and I just want to scream, cry, and lose my mind!!! I would love to know why such an evil man who is addicted to porn and abuses women can get such love and support while I am left here all alone in the cold to suffer and struggle! It infuriates me to no end! Why am I treated like the abuser while he is treated like the victim? I just do not understand this!

 

I hope and pray that one day I can look back and say I have done well for myself. My goal is to become a practicing Attorney by 2020. I dream of becoming an Assistant States Attorney defending victims of Sex Crimes and/or Domestic Violence. I want to make my Daughter proud of me and to see that if you believe that you can do anything!

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